Archive | October, 2011

On love

31 Oct

On love

A friend posed recently posed a statement, when I was relating a story about a past relationship.

“So basically” he said, “you didn’t love him anymore.”

I winced at the thought. I’ve never truly understood the concept.

Is this something people just say? Or is there really an on-off switch inside yourself? Do people know themselves that well that they can look closely and see the absence of a light which once was?

In all my relationships, I never felt like I stopped loving the person – even when I ended it.

Sometimes I feel I still love them now – sometimes many years on.

Does this make me different to most?

Perhaps some might say that I have never really loved.

Or is it that others want reassurance that they are ending something for a reason? And what better or more acceptable reason than the “absence of love”?

And as to the concept of only loving one person at a time – this I have trouble with as well.

Is love really that limited that it can only be focussed a single person? Why is there is such great shame and anguish associated with being in love with more than one person?

I have felt this jealousy – of not wanting to share what I feel should be mine.

But should it only be mine?

I’ve been thinking about the concept of love and my definition of it – perhaps it is my age – but probably more so because people in my travels keep asking when I will marry.

In Nepal many people are in arranged marriages. Sometimes it is arranged without choice, sometimes the men or women can refuse the arrangement, sometimes it is “arranged love” – where the arranged couple spend some time together to see if something will grow before they marry.

The Nepalese are curious to know what I think about this – and whether I would ever consider an arranged marriage.

They are surprised to learn that my family has many arranged marriages – including my grandparents. They are surprised to learn that I see many of the benefits of it. And that I have no problem with it, so long as both parties have the option of saying no and are able to get a divorce.

I relate what a very good friend told me in Ghana: “What does it matter what you know of the person? If you are willing to work through the problems, then this is all that matters. You choose who you want to work through life with, and they choose the same for you, and then is it done. What does it matter what you know of their character?”

But then, I also relate a story I read recently in the brilliant Colin Wright’s e-newsletter – where if I read it correctly, he dated a married woman while he was in Iceland, at her husband’s insistence.

Because this worked for them.

And if it works, then why not?

Love is such a muddled concept, surrounded with hopes, dreams, expectations, pressure.

And in such a muddle – who I am to say that your manner of loving is wrong, and mine is right?

And just while we’re on it, what exactly is my manner anyway?

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Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome (or, the value of swimming in cold water)

24 Oct

I had a full on, diagnosed, 6 month bout of Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome about 4 years ago.

An interesting diagnosis – it is based on a set of symptoms, rather than a cause. It is a diagnosis by elimination. It is a diagnosis the doctor’s give you because they have absolutely no idea what to tell you.

They do a host of tests, for all sorts of unfathomable diseases (I do not have AIDS. Or gluten intolerance. Or thalassmia). And they come up with nothing. And then they do the tests again.

Still nothing.

And then, there is the look of despair.

It comes in waves, I am told. Lots of people get it at the same time.

Perhaps you just need to sleep more? Stop doing as much?

How did it happen?

For about 4 years I had recurrent tonsillitis. This was probably caused by two onsets of anaemia – probably due to vegetarianism, working three jobs, training at the gym pretty hard and finishing off an engineering degree.

Anyway the recurrent tonsillitis scarred my tonsils so much that any infection or a hard week at work would make me susceptible to all types of tonsillitis – viral, bacteria, phantom. I became a queen of the self medicator – I had a stack of Maxamox prescriptions at home and the chemist practically knew me by name.

And then I had one particularly nasty bout. I worked through it, ignored it for awhile, and never really got better.

How did it effect you?

I had a really sore throat all the time. It felt like razor blades were going up and down my throat. But mostly I was just exhausted.

I was lucky however, I could still work full time. I just had to stop everything else.

What is it exactly?

No one really knows. My nautropath said it was caused by eating milk products. That was about the best medical advice I got during my whole episode.

(Oh and by the way, eliminating milk products did not help.)

So how did you get through it?

I tried many, many things, and spoke to many, many people.

In the end, it came down to a fairly simple management strategy. Which I developed by trial and error.

From what I understand, this is quite common.

My list was as follows:

-          Swimming in cold water: I love this one. This still really calms me down and resets me for the day.

-          Watch the diet: No caffeine, alcohol or sugar – which was easy enough to find out. But strangely, one of the most important things was eating on time. I needed to make sure lunch and dinner happened when they were meant to.

-          Sleep well: This was harder than I would have thought as PVS brought with it some pretty serious anxiety issues. Which would manifest right as I was trying to get to sleep . I learnt a lot about self-managed sleep hygiene at this time. (Just type sleep hygiene into google).

-          Daily slow walking is required, BUT minimise overall travel. Do not go out. Do not pass go. Do not collect $100. No social life. The internet was a lifesaver.

-          No stress: Again, obvious enough.

And I continued doing these and got better bit by bit, each day. And then I stopped taking the pill and two weeks later I was a new person. It was like I had never gotten sick.

The best advice I got…

Stop being so hard on yourself.

There is a lot of self-doubt that is associated with something which cannot be diagnosed or quickly cured.

Perhaps I worked too hard. Perhaps I exercised too much. Perhaps I ate too poorly.

But they don’t know what it caused it, so how can you?

No amount of thinking, obsessing or analysing can ever, EVER change this.

 

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On having a mission – Part 3

17 Oct

Over the last couple of weeks I have been writing about having a mission.

As part of this I am going to give away a substantial amount to charities which work with poor communities. I’m thinking along the lines of AUD$10K. Maybe more, maybe less.

Firstly, how did I come up with $10K?

I was very seriously considering doing a three month whitewater guiding course this year, before I got the job with Good Return. I figure if I could spend over $10K whitewater kayaking, I can spend $10K on the poor.

(Also part of the reason I didn’t do it was because I realised you could build a school in the middle east for around $10K).

And why I am not donating to environmental causes?

I’ve spent the last 5 years working in sustainability – I figure its time poverty got a look in.

So this post is about asking for help. I feel conflicted on who and how I should give.

I could give to many charities or, I could give to just a few.

I could go for the return-on-investment approach where I try and get value out of every single last dollar? This might be investing in Plan International who give out malaria medication, bed nets and condoms. They are reported as having the lowest life saved to dollar spent ratio.

Or, conversely, I could go for the ‘people in the third world deserve dignity’ approach of Paul Farmer and Partners in Health. Everyone deserves access to the same healthcare, regardless of the cost.

I could go for the individual approach. This might include microfinance. Where I could loan out my money over and over again to budding entrepreneurs in the third world. Like the organisation I work for – Good Return. Or perhaps the sponsor a child approach.

I could go for the wider research and development approach and give to a group like the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

One idea I have been toying with is the idea of starting something myself. My money will not go as far, but perhaps I will learn more and be able to contribute more in the future because of it.

How have you given before? How did you decide who to give to?

Or maybe rather, if I gave you $10K to give to poor communities, how would you give it?

–> You can now also read Part 1 and Part 2.

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<3 Muse, Fall Out Boy and Beyonce

13 Oct

My three-reasons-to-love Muse, Fall Out Boy and Beyonce:

  1. It doesn’t matter where I’m at, they always have something worthwhile to say.
  2. They all make my life feel like something. Muse makes my life feel epic. Fall Out Boy makes me happy when I am sad. And Beyonce? Well, I always have time for Beyonce.
  3. They are all just so silly!

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On having a mission – Part 2 (and on taking the first step)

10 Oct

Last week I posted on having a mission.

OK, so actually I posted on what the mission would be like. And how long it can take.

And how I wanted my first step to be about understanding.

1.       What does it actually mean to be poor?

I am struggling with the concept of purchasing power parity and poverty lines. And what the term “less than $2 per day” actually means.

So you wake up in the morning. You can only buy or grow food equivalent to the amount of food that you could buy for US$2 in the United States.

What does this mean for your day? What does this mean for your children? Your health? Your house?

I have been told that someone like me can never understand. Perhaps this is true. But poverty is also in my blood, in my family’s story-telling and heritage. Both sets of grandparents were exceptionally poor as children.

And besides, how can you even begin to fathom what is going on if you are not prepared to listen?

2.       What has been done about poverty so far?

I’ve been reading for a little while.

A couple of favourites – The Blue Sweater (Thanks Jo and At!). More than Good Intentions. And I just finished Mountains Beyond Mountains, recommended to me by the brilliant Alex and Josh.

Amazing, amazing, amazing.

I want to learn and see more.

3.       Why is it that people are still living in poverty?

Of course part of the answer to this question lies with the poor. Perhaps I will get some answers out of part (1).

But part of the answer also lies with those who are not.

I also just finished “The Life You Can Save” by Peter Singer. In essence he makes a very strong argument that it is unethical to not help the poor with just about everything you have.

And now.

Just on giving, some inspiration:

  • I have a friend (who doesn’t like his name) who gives 10% of his income every year to charity. (Post-tax I was told to tell anyone who asked). When asked by his girlfriend if he would stop giving money once they had a mortgage, he said something along the lines of this: “I don’t think poor people would care that I had a mortgage”.
  • Sasha Dichter’s generosity experiment – he said yes to anyone that asked him for money for a month.
  • The 50% League – to qualify members must have given away at least half their wealth, or for the past three years, half their income.

I want to understand why these are special cases, why it is that we do not give more.

I have spent a long time studying a very well off first world person who cared but was ambivalent about giving.

(For those of you playing at home, that would be me).

Now I want to study what it means to give.

4.       What I should do next

This is going to take a little time.

Would it be better to go back to well paid work and give away most of my salary?

Maybe it will be best to forget the mission and just not ever fly again? I could give the money away AND reduce the most significant part of my global carbon footprint.

And just on that, how is the environment and flexitarianism going to fit into all of this?

The plan, so far at least

On what it means to be poor, I’ll be travelling across the Asia Pacific for the next year with Good Return surveying microfinance clients for our renewable energy product. In the Philippines that means taking out a 6 month loan for a AUD$40 solar panel and LED light.

On what has been done so far, I’m going to read more (book suggestions very, very welcome).

And on why it is that people are still living in poverty, I am going to start to learn what it means to give. I’m still hashing this out, but I’m thinking over the next 12 months I am going to:

  • Spend some time saying yes – Sasha Dichter style. (Here is one right now – “Yes”).
  • Give away a substantial sum to charities which work with poor communities.

I am definitely going to need help on the last one – more on this and how I came up with the figure next week.

And on what to do next?

Hah! I’m still taking it day-by-day.

–> You can now also read Part 1 and Part 3

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<3 The Starfish Story

6 Oct
My three-reasons-to-love The Starfish Story:
  1. It reminds me that life is not actually lived in the big picture
  2. It reminds me to have a heart
  3. Living the starfish story made me cry and smile. Even thinking about what happened right now.
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Perhaps you’ve heard of it. In essence, it’s about a guy who walks down a beach throwing starfish back into the ocean. Another man asks him why he is bothering. Because “It made a difference to that one”. Read it here.

On having a mission – Part 1

3 Oct

This is my scariest post so far, right before this one a few weeks ago.

Like the last one, this one took many edits and a while to post.

Many changes of tack until I got to an approach which began to look acceptable. So now, it is actually 3 posts.

And despite these editsI keep thinking, what if I’ve got it wrong? What happens if I change my mind?

What if I fail?

Actually I already know I am going to fail.

Actually, I hope to have the strength to fail many times. To be completely broken.

So here it is.

Thoughts on a mission for life which is not yet fully resolved.

Phrases which seem to make sense at the moment are “contribution”. “Global”. “Sustainability”. And most of all “poverty”.

I don’t know exactly what this means yet or how it is going to work.

When I was in Ghana I met an amazing woman who was building a vocational training centre for unemployed youth in the far west of the country. She was directing the whole thing and using funds from a small province in Canada.

She was 67.

In 40 years I’ll be 67.

So I’m giving myself 40 years to make this happen. To figure out what it means. I figure just like anything else in life it will take practice. So I just need to work at it a little every day.

There will be many steps.

But I want my first to be to begin to understand.

To understand what it means to be poor.

To understand what has been done so far.

And to understand why it is that it has not been enough.

To help me understand more of what I should do next, and why.

As part of all this I’m going to start giving a substantial amount this year to charities which work in poor communities.

I’m going to need to some help with the how and who.

More on this soon.

—> You can read now also read Part 2 and Part 3

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